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Here is a pictorial guide to one of the all time worst songs in the world. It is called “Where Do You Go To, My Lovely” by Peter Sarstedt, and it got to No 1 in the UK in February 1969. If you can believe that. It is breathtakingly grisly. It is on youtube, of course, but I earnestly suggest you peruse the following pictorial guide before listening to this song. This will assist you in deciding whether you wish to risk death by hilarious awfulness.Note - not everyone agrees with me here. I quote from a message i saw attached to a video of this on youtube :A classic song is born when the artists powers of creativity reach a point of implosion only to explode out again in Lyrics,Tune,Music,and Vocals, all of which are wrapped up in a storm of emotions, in a fleeting moment ,comparable to the combined forces of a hurricane where an ocean ends at high rock faces extending horizontally to endless miles and rise well up to the sky. And Peter Sarstedt and his Where Do You Go To My Lovely is but one powerful example of such forms of creativity.So, you know, you might agree with him.(Intro : cheesy French accordeon with strummed acoustic guitar. Medium tempo foxtrot.) You talk like Marlene Dietrich (the first name-drop of six )And you dance like Zizi Jeanmaire Your clothes are all made by Balmain And theres diamonds and pearls in your hair, yes there are (come on, admit it, there are, you know there are)You live in a fancy apartment Off the Boulevard Saint-Michel Where you keep your Rolling Stones recordsAnd a friend of Sacha Distel, yes you do But where do you go to my lovely (after the character assassination we switch gear to the sensitive chorus)When youre alone in your bed Tell me the thoughts that surround you I want to look inside your head, yes I do (but hes not a psychiatrist or a brain surgeon, no)Ive seen all your qualifications You got from the Sorbonne And the painting you stole from Picasso Your loveliness goes on and on, yes it does When you go on your summer vacation You go to Juan-les-Pins With your carefully designed topless swimsuit (Pictorial illustration disallowed under existing goodreads guidelines – What’s a carefully designed topless swimsuit anyway? Maybe there were such things in 1969. And is he implying there were carelessly designed swimsuits i.e. ones with big holes in them which were topless but weren’t intended to be?)You get an even suntan on your back and on your legs And when the snow falls youre found in Saint Moritz With the others of the jet-set And you sip your Napoleon brandy But you never get your lips wet, no you dont But where do you go to my lovely etc etcYour name, it is heard in high places You know the Aga Khan [Editors note - this might not be the right one]He sent you a racehorse for Christmas And you keep it just for fun, for a laugh, a-ha-ha-ha They say that when you get married Itll be to a millionaire (that was clearly something back in 69, these days with inflation you have to clear the millionaires out of the way before you can get inside your front door)But they dont realize where you came from And I wonder if they really care, or give a damn (ah, what can this revelation be)Where do you go to my lovely etc etcI remember the back streets of Naples Two children begging in rags Both touched with a burning ambition To shake off their lowly-born tags, so they try (ah now we understand! but really - rags... er, tags? no better rhyme to be found? How about Both touched with a burning ambition/ To escape from two giant plastic bags) So look into my face Marie-Claire(I think the magazine took its name from this line of this very song) And remember just who you are Then go and forget me forever But I know you still bear the scar, deep inside, yes you do (I bet she does too)I know where you go to my lovely When youre alone in your bed I know the thoughts that surround you Cause(he slows right down for emphasis) I... can... look... inside... your... head! (so it was all a bit of a tease, he knew all along)(swirly French accordeon comes back in, fade. Guaranteed Number One.)

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